Forgive, Forgiven

Forgive, forgiven. The remotest words from me.

I can hate, I can resent, I can hold spite, I can grind the hatred between my teeth all day, all night. But somehow, hating someone that much needs the energy I simply don’t have right now. I want to direct my finite power to myself, not to others, not to enemies, not to friends, just to me. I have lived my life, but I am not sure how much of it was mine. It wasn’t like that my life was taken away. Like someone who lived as a political prisoner or a captive of a war. It was me who neglected my life, my time, my body, my power, my little wishes, my simple pleasures, my sleep, my hands and knees, my ears and tongue, my thought, my joy, my sorrow, my idleness, and my dream. I didn’t tend enough of me residing in me, being too busy in feeding others, reading others, showing things to others, directing others, pleasing others, displeasing others, correcting others, ignoring others, shaming others, thinking others, being angry at others, being disappointed in others, and thinking how others were thinking of me. Now I need to let go of the significance of others in me.

I will start with breathing. Bringing my unconscious movements of my lungs into my conscious motions. Expanding the chest broad to hold the bright air of the world in. Then, eyes. Seeing things that please me and storing them in my heart to cherish. Then, ears. Filling my spiral eardrums with the sounds that vibrate for a long time in my soul. Then, nose. Taking in smells of peppermint, rosemary, lavender, oregano, mimosa, jasmine, and all fresh living things surrounding me. Then, mouth. Melting bitter with sweets, contemplating slowly every bit of life spiced up its distinctive flavor. And my beating machine of life. Filling my anemic bloodthirsty heart with the shower of dark red iron. The fully charged heart will pump my life out to march, march forward, or backward, or any direction. It will be just fine. Then, I will put my two hands on my belly, which worked so hard to sustain me this far but was always neglected because it was not up to my best expectant shape. I will let it warm with my two palms and appease its deprived being with my own body temperature. And finally, my head. I will stroke it whenever I have time giving the praises that it needed many, many times in life.

Maybe, maybe I am the one who needs to be forgiven by myself. Forgive, then forgiven.

<November 16, 2016>

Oozing Out Existence

Like a beetle stepped on, you ooze out of yourself,
and you little scrap of carapace and adaptability is meaningless.
-from Notebook of Malte Laurids Brigge, by Rainer Maria Rilke –

What’s skin? What’s inside and outside? What will ooze out when some giant thing step on me? Blood and indistinguishable fluids mixed with organs and flesh, and some bones. That will be me, coming out of my skin. That will be me, spilling out my guts.

Will that be all of me? All of my past, my present, and my future? My anguish, my troubling thoughts, my sleepless dreams, my secret wishes and no-brake longings or yearnings, my stubborn mind sometimes up against my intense feelings, my will and patience which can grow a watermelon out of a pumpkin seed, the people I buried in my heart, the faces I see when I close my eyes with the throbbing pains in my chest, the smell and the touch I am still holding onto, the sweetness of those words and voices, the sunshine, the breeze, the music hung there like a morning mist for those moments, the road, the road alone, the road together, the sadness that almost killed me in that grey spring with all the buds coming out, those things I’ve done so wrong and those things still undone, the life lived fully, or the life barely touched, the sweat, the tears, and the laughs, the heartbreaks, and the soul limping days, longer nights, the dawn, the dusk, my poor reflection on the water, my lengthening shadow at the end of the day, the asphalt, the fluff of my white dog, the wagging tail and spotty pink paws of him, his jumping on the green field where the green couldn’t be greener, the disappointments of life, still believing the absurd human beings, the broken promises, the untied knots, all sorts of flowers laid on Ellen’s table I didn’t catch the names, the joy of the unexpected encounters blooming someway in time, the delicacy of human interactions and their fragileness, or their tenacity, the hopelessness of my hopes, and the shamelessness of my desire. Oh, my eyelids that can’t quite cover my eyes blazing like torches in the inky black nights searching for a strand of light giving the meaning of my existence.

Will all of those ooze out and disperse in the air when my blood is spattering like red roses in the wedding aisle? If one can really break out of the skin, what will that be?

<October 14th, 2016>

Water

An old lady kept glancing at her as if she wanted to say something with her. She felt that that woman desperately wanted to break the awkwardness when people sit side by side in the waiting area by everyday conversation. But she didn’t open her mouth. She nodded in a friendly way when the lady took the seat next to her and went back to her phone to find the playlist she would listen to while waiting. And that felt good, felt right holding herself from the talking because she decided not to do unnecessary movements and words just to keep her appearance or serve others’ mood. Or just to ease the atmosphere.

“Not Talking” had been her weapon and her armor. She crawled into her space by shutting her mouth or punished someone by denying the response, while her brain hammered the words of blaming herself or accusing others. But this time, it was the different “Not Talking”. Her brain was clear and her mood was calm. The former action was like damming the flow to others and locking herself in, but this time was more like containing herself in the deep reservoir full of conscious water.

During past several years, many things had happened to her, but those things were more inside than outside. It was like that giant water tank of mind was filling up gradually to the point that it moved with heavy motions. She could feel something inside swaying, pulsing, and rocking with its own weight. She felt contained and didn’t want to let them seep through by letting herself react to every outer stimulus which didn’t necessarily expect her response or benefit from her reaction. So now, she was calm and quiet observing her inner water rising and its graceful motion. What did this mean or where was it headed? She didn’t know. The only thing she did know was that she didn’t want to spill now. She was waiting for it to overflow with time by itself.

The Elephant’s Belief

“Do you know how to keep the elephants from running away?”

E. looks around at us sitting in a circle. I know the story already. But the serene mood of the room and her low husky voice make the story feel different this time.

“When the elephant was a baby, people tied the baby elephant to a tree. So it only could move around the area the chain reached. And when it got curious about something far and tried to go, the metal chain stopped it and cut into its skin. So the baby elephant gave up running away. As the elephant grew, he got the power to pull out any tree or peg it was tied. But it never tries, even it was little wood stick stuck on the ground, if his leg was tied.”

I feel something moving in my heart. First time I heard the story, I just thought about the elephant. This time, I am thinking about me. I, as an elephant, tied to the imaginary chain which I thought there has been. Or chains I can pull out or cut off with my power or will. But my thinking tied to the conventional tree resists the process. I have yearned for freedom for all my life, but still I felt bound. Bound to the real things in life. Financially, emotionally, and physically. But I am questioning now. Am I?

This leads to the different question. Then, was I pretending that I was bound to the tree, even knowing that I could break the chain with my power? Was it my hypocritical self which wanted to stay beside the tree, smacking of a free spirit to the people around? Because I knew, I knew that if I stay around the tree, there is no need to find the way of survival. No need to find food and shelter. No need to deal with living necessities. So, in the end, it was me who didn’t go anywhere. But my ego made up an imaginary chain and made myself think in the way that all the social conventional values were tying me up.

If I leave the tree I bound, where can I go? Where is my direction? If I take my journey far, will it be just the daily struggle to survive? Will my freedom become every day’s striving to find things to eat and places to rest? Will it be worth to venture then?

Still I am beside the tree stubbing my toes nervously against the dirt. But the one thing I know is that I am not content with being here, being here for my entire life. I need to find a way to break myself from me-used-to-be. Maybe here, I can make arrow and shoot or learn tricks and show. Or I can go, I can take the chances being hungry, tired, wet and cold out in the rainy nights. I should be ready for the inconveniences of the life. To live the life.

Elephants and whales are special to me. They came in many different ways in my life. I feel like them in some way. Felt big. But I can’t find a place to lay my big body in the world, the world so immense that elephants and whales have no problem in living. I should squeeze myself out, elbowing other beings around, and make my way to the unknown. Break the tie with fear and thrill. Even tears will be worth more in the realm of freedom. In freedom.

<May 10th, 2016>