I think this will be okay. I feel some sense of safety, stability. Even when the things seem alien and the ground feels crumbling, there are these things I can hold on to. Small joys of human connections and sharings, cannot be counted by the materialistic measure, contributing to the oneness of being or beings. I know this feeling is temporary, but it also can be eternal by repetition. So en + joy.
People are people, will be; changing, judging, competing, complaining, disgracing… but momentarily, they can be understanding, caring, attentive, loving, and warm. Just take it, don’t doubt, and move on… one joyful moment, then another. And trust… the goodness… surely it exists, buidling the collective sum of moments… heartfelt moments…. it’s there… and saver the delight.
sweet surrender to
the layers of its soft depth
wrapped me in thousands of thin threads,
almost touchable, almost melting
I look at her again.
She looks like she has lost her footing on the solid concreate floor,
hugging an empty blue sky in her chest.
fold the past into a paper airplane and keep it near the chest for a while
then let it fly away
to the bluest sky that blue can ever possibly be!
now stare the empty hands to live;
to live again.
<January 1st, 2018>
Infatuation… I lost it. And I’m sorry that I lost it.
I loved the feeling when I was infatuated. Not always happy or fun. Sometimes, achy and bitter. But some magical feeling in there. Beyond reason, beyond control. I don’t know how, but I lost it. And I miss it.
It will come again. I know it for sure. Not always fun or happy. Sometimes, bitter and achy. But I’ll love it. Like a magic.
I’m not a colorful person. My color is mostly grey with varying shades, from dark grey to pure white. The brightest of me at most would be the pale blue, like the winter sky in the Northeast countryside in the US.
But I’m good at noticing the colors in other people. When I let them know their brightness, a smile arises across their faces like the first bloom of spring. The physical appearance of the person doesn’t matter when this happens. Their colors shine and imbue to my soul brightening up my day.
I remembered when I did a Tarot reading on Thayer St. at Brown Universtiy to kill time. The Tarot lady said, “All colors surround you.” It didn’t resonate with me at that time. Now I get it. I’m not colorful, but all colors surround me, really.
premonition? intuition? or intention?
anyway, it happens… often… but not the way I projected… my imagination fails every time … always the reality happens beyond the reach of my brain capacity.
sometimes, the reality unfolds in a mystic way and I hold my breath struck by the wonder… life can be beautiful.
“What makes me feel calm”,
hot water with honey and milk
the sound of water flowing
a dog sleeping
watching outside through the window
thinking about the moments that I felt warm by someone or something
Shivasana after yoga
doing a make-up leisurely
a walk with my dog
eating a bowl of plain yogurt and whole milk mixed with lots of nuts and dried berries in bed
round grey pebbles
do these matter?
I want something else than calmness, Ellen.
the excitement, the explosion /////////////////////////////
of joy; the life.